My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
