I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
