Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
