last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
