I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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