just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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