Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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