Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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