the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
