If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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