Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
