You're completely useless in the revolution.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
this is an emotional support booty call
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
