my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
