Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
