She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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