just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
