Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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