Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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