so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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