I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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