Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
