My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
