If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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