I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
