Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
farters have to be the big spoon...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
