I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
