You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
