Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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