they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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