im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
