Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
