All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
