The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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