If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
