just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
