haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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