he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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