i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
