you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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