Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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