good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
