yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
