Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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