If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
