I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
