Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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