I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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