mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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