my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
