I wish I could teleport
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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