I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
