My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
