Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
